Sunday, February 04, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
regina... you're so good to me
so last night, i traveled across the state to see regina spektor at messiah college. it was beautiful. and denison witmer was the opener. and we got back to washington, pa at five in the morning. i'm pretty sleepy, as i had to drive back up to my house after too brief a nap at andrew's to be ready to speak in church at ten. but it was worth it. i might write more later, but if we're honest with ourselves, i think we both know that won't happen. i'm a terrible blogger. but fyi, that's what i did last night.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
here's a blog more interesting than mine
this is me and my friend jonathan. this is his blog: www.jryskamp.wordpress.com. it's better than mine. he's in nigeria right now, and then he's going to uganda. go read about it. it's good. i'm so excited for him... it sounds amazing, and he is doing good work. go look. go.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
um, i'm sorry
so, it's been awhile. things have been pretty okay lately. i went home to michigan and saw a lot of you, which was lovely and just what i needed. then i went to wild wonderful west virginia for school for a week, where i stayed in a cabin and saw lots of deer and christmas lights. and now i'm back to work, trying to get back in the swing of things around here. there's really a lot going on in my life and in my head. i'm responding to the unknown by praying and blowing bubbles in my office. it's pretty effective so far. if you'd like a more personal relation of my current events, call me. this is not the time or the place for it. in the meantime, i'd like to share this with you:
The World According to Student Bloopers
compiled by Richard Lederer at St. Paul's School
(courtesy of my little sister)
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns--Corinithian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Danes, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troups before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America by cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrim's Progress.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
The sun never set on the British empire because the British empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur invented a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assassination of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
brilliant.
The World According to Student Bloopers
compiled by Richard Lederer at St. Paul's School
(courtesy of my little sister)
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns--Corinithian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Danes, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troups before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America by cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrim's Progress.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
The sun never set on the British empire because the British empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur invented a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assassination of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
brilliant.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
a christmas wish list
though i feel safe betting that most people have, unlike me, finished their christmas shopping so late in the game, by smam's suggestion, here is a post about some christmas gifts i would like to receive:
1. regina spektor's new album: begin to hope
2. the office, any/all seasons of the american version
3. books by bill bryson, but i've already received english: the mother tongue
4. the a&e version of pride and prejudice
5. settlers of catan and the expansion pack for 5-6 players
6. postsecret books
7. target gift cards are always appreciated
that's all i'm going to write now. at the moment, i've forgotten most other things i've asked for, though i'm sure i'll be thrilled to remember when i receive them this weekend. (all that to say, if you bought me something and are now worried because i didn't list it here, don't be worried. i'm easy to please... i'm sure i'll love it!) in review, i am not finished with my christmas shopping, and am hoping to invite suggestions from your wish lists by giving you mine. pathetic, i know.
anyhow, i'm headed off to get into the christmas spirit by attending one of my favorite seasonal services at a nearby church. merry christmas.
1. regina spektor's new album: begin to hope
2. the office, any/all seasons of the american version
3. books by bill bryson, but i've already received english: the mother tongue
4. the a&e version of pride and prejudice
5. settlers of catan and the expansion pack for 5-6 players
6. postsecret books
7. target gift cards are always appreciated
that's all i'm going to write now. at the moment, i've forgotten most other things i've asked for, though i'm sure i'll be thrilled to remember when i receive them this weekend. (all that to say, if you bought me something and are now worried because i didn't list it here, don't be worried. i'm easy to please... i'm sure i'll love it!) in review, i am not finished with my christmas shopping, and am hoping to invite suggestions from your wish lists by giving you mine. pathetic, i know.
anyhow, i'm headed off to get into the christmas spirit by attending one of my favorite seasonal services at a nearby church. merry christmas.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
absolution
yesterday at the geneva HED christmas party, we played a game of sorts, which i won. i received a package that included the following variety of green and white items:
--whitening toothpaste
--whitening gum
--whitening tooth-covering apparatus
--dental floss (the kind that is suspended on a wish-bone like structure)
--gum-pickers
--an electric toothbrush designed for children that has a dolphin on it. my professor commented that it is a "porpoise driven life" toothbrush.
(at this point i started to sense a theme, and got a little self-conscious about my teeth. however, as the game was not rigged, i was forced to conclude that this collection of items was not intended to spur me, personally, on towards better dental hygiene.) the following items were non-tooth related:
--12-pack of sprite
--geneva college watch
and my personal favorite:
--"wash away your sins towlettes." the packaging claims that they are "heavenly scented," "handy, reliable," and contain an "anti-bacterial formula that kills sins on contact." the back of the package gives directions for "righting your wrongs with a wipe!"
1. remove moist towlette
2. devoutly wipe away wrong-doing
3. spot-check for stubborn guilt
4. wipe again as needed
5. discard sins in waste receptacle
6. go forth purified & moisturized
fantastic. i'm saving those for next time i do something really bad. it's kind of like a get-out-of-jail-free card. may you all be so lucky this christmas.
--whitening toothpaste
--whitening gum
--whitening tooth-covering apparatus
--dental floss (the kind that is suspended on a wish-bone like structure)
--gum-pickers
--an electric toothbrush designed for children that has a dolphin on it. my professor commented that it is a "porpoise driven life" toothbrush.
(at this point i started to sense a theme, and got a little self-conscious about my teeth. however, as the game was not rigged, i was forced to conclude that this collection of items was not intended to spur me, personally, on towards better dental hygiene.) the following items were non-tooth related:
--12-pack of sprite
--geneva college watch
and my personal favorite:
--"wash away your sins towlettes." the packaging claims that they are "heavenly scented," "handy, reliable," and contain an "anti-bacterial formula that kills sins on contact." the back of the package gives directions for "righting your wrongs with a wipe!"
1. remove moist towlette
2. devoutly wipe away wrong-doing
3. spot-check for stubborn guilt
4. wipe again as needed
5. discard sins in waste receptacle
6. go forth purified & moisturized
fantastic. i'm saving those for next time i do something really bad. it's kind of like a get-out-of-jail-free card. may you all be so lucky this christmas.
Monday, December 11, 2006
all right, all right, i know
i know i haven't posted. but i have nothing to say. feel free to suggest a topic you're interested in hearing about, and i will consider updating you on the subject. or i might ignore you. i can do what i want. this is my blog.
well, now that i've scared off all my reader(s), i'll sleep better knowing that at least you're not checking back and getting disappointed. happy holidays.
well, now that i've scared off all my reader(s), i'll sleep better knowing that at least you're not checking back and getting disappointed. happy holidays.
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