this is an open letter to the birds who KEEP GETTING INTO MY APARTMENT.
dear Birds,
i beg of you, please stop coming into my apartment. it is not outside. i know there are multiple windows and skylights, but my apartment is inside. it is for human inhabitants only. i do not appreciate your visits. we had a deal. i will stay in my apartment, and you were supposed to stay outside.
this morning, as i was blow-drying my hair, your presence nearly gave me a heart attack. why do you insist on invading my territory? please stop crawling through the crawlspace in my attic to gain entrance. if by some navigational mistake you do find yourself in my apartment, please take the out i provide for you by flying out the open window, rather than continuing to dive-bomb the skylights. how many times do you have to throw your body against the glass to know that it is solid? windows are the invention of humans to keep animals like you out while letting the sunshine in. you may not be familiar with my indoor architechture.
i'll admit, i am afraid of you. perhaps it is alfred hitchcock's fault. it may also be related to the recent avian flu epidemic. i may also be afraid that you will peck out my eyes. even so, i realize that you are probably even more afraid of me. please know that the broom i wield is merely a directive device. as long as you do not fly into my face, i will not hit you with it. please follow the swooping motion toward the *open* window. do not perch on my lamp. please do not sit on my bed. do not climb around on my table, knocking over my chess set with your incessant flapping. and for the love of all that is good and holy, STOP POOPING ON MY COUCH!
just get out of my bloody apartment. go outside where you belong. go away, and never come back.
when the landlord comes over later today to investigate, please leave him alone. it is for the good of us all.
sincerely,
katherine, queen of the apartment
p.s. please don't tell anyone about the nervous screaming. it would bruise my pride.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Kath, PLEASE! Get a grip on this situation quick! Your mother is coming this weekend and you don't want her to think you just let any bird-brain into your apartment. What will the neighbors think!
oh, katherine, how i wish i could have been with you to witness the hilarity that i'm sure is katherine v. the bird...
Somehow I don't see Mom or Tracy being amused by the prospect of waking up with bird $h1+ on their face. Call me crazy...
i know, i know! i called my landlord. he should be here in a few hours to take care of this situation. or make the bird sign a lease. whatever.
I'm reading a book about US Indian policy and the similarities are striking. You just want your space, but the birds were here first. You tell them to go outside, but what happens when there's no outside to go to? Next you'll want them to join Avian Bill's Bird Roundup as an amusement for the people living in houses built over land where they once could perch. You think you know what's best for them (ie: not bonking into the skylights) but you can't understand their centuries-old cultural traditions and what it means to them. We just keep pushing them one inch further and then when they lash out (ala Alfred Hitchcock) we misrepresent their cry for help as a bloodthirsty rampage.
How insensitive. You've already run off the church mice, now the birds. Where will it end? A panda forced labor camp? An elephant gulag? A "Sea World"? What, they already have that? Then it's already begun. I think I'm going to be sick.
Post a Comment